Michael Steele Protects You From Vampires

You may have prepared for the upcoming vampire apocalypse by putting skylights on your house and stocking up on garlic and wooden stakes (all of which are recommended by Michael Steele), but have you prepared your portfolio for the coming reign of our new immortal, blood-sucking masters?

What's going to become the newest mass market commodity in our post-vampire economy? Blood. And I have several companies in mind that will benefit when pints of blood move from being a high-value medical need to a basic consumer staple, like Baxter ($BAX), CSL Ltd. ($CSL.AX, $CMXHY.PK), and Grifols ($GRFS).

Or, if you're a contrarian who foolishly thinks humanity has a fighting chance against the vampires, I've got stocks for you too, like the leading company in wooden stakes, Weyerhaeuser ($WY) or garlic (and other spices) distributor, McCormick & Company ($MKC)! Or maybe you want to bet on the people who will run for their lives: they will be buying lots of new running shoes from Nike ($NKE)!

Whichever way you think the coming fight for the survival of humanity will go, if you follow Michael Steele's advice, your portfolio can weather the red tides of chaos if you prepare today.

Michael Steele Wants You To Invest in Baltimore

Individual investors are most successful when they buy into the idea that they are owning a part of a business for the long-term, not short-term trading or speculating on stocks. A good way to build and maintain that mentality is to buy companies that you can root for through thick and thin, and adding a little civic pride to your portfolio can be a part of that. By owning a few of the local companies that make your community great and drive your local economy, you can keep your short-term emotions in check and become an owner for the long haul. And since Michael Steele is from Maryland, I illustrated this with a portfolio of five companies from Baltimore on my financial blog at the Motley Fool: Under Armour ($UA), T. Rowe Price ($TROW), Legg Mason ($LM), Jos. A. Bank ($JOSB), and McCormick & Company ($MKC). Think global, invest local!

Michael Steele Teaches Investors About Government Contracting

One of my areas of expertise is investing. In the course of following the news about the companies I own, I will sometimes come across a press release about a company winning a federal government contract. And while I understand perfectly what the company is saying about the contract they won, I worry that some of the details of the language might slip by most investors. Or be misunderstood. Or in some cases, that the wording of the press release makes the value of the contract sound puffed up and more valuable than it really is. Because, you see, one of my other areas of expertise is dealing with the technical side of federal IT contracts.

So, as a public service, I wrote a three part series for the Motley Fool Blog Network about understanding the vocabulary of government contracts for investors:

• Part 1: Fixed Price, Cost Reimbursement, and Time & Materials Contracts, including examples of recent contracts won by Lockheed Martin ($LMT), Booz-Allen Hamilton ($BAH), and SAIC ($SAI)
• Part 2: Indefinite Delivery Indefinite Quantity (IDIQ) Contracts and Modifications, with examples from Amazon.com ($AMZN) and Lockheed Martin ($LMT)
• Part 3: Multiple Awards, Schedules, and Government Wide Acquisition Contracts (GWACs), using examples from Cubic ($CUB), CACI ($CACI), and SAIC ($SAI)

It's a departure from my usual smart-assed financial blog postings, but I promise I will get back to writing those again soon.

Michael Steele is Afraid of Beanie Babies

While house shopping here in Maryland back in March, we went with our realtor to see one house that we still laugh about. We refer to it as "The Beanie Baby House" because of this one, upstairs bedroom:

It was even freakier in person, because the picture only shows you about half the room. Extrapolate out that the rest of the room was the same. About a third of the animals had little protective, heart-shaped, hard plastic covers on their tags, I assume to preserve their investment value.

Making it even weirder (yes, that's possible!), everything else in the house was perfectly staged: minimal furniture and no other personal effects visible anywhere else in the house. It was just this one room filled with Beanie Babies lined up like Terra Cotta warriors on every available furniture surface, staring at you in unison with their blank, beady eyes.

The house is still on the market, in case you were interested in the property; we were not interested, and bought something else. I believe the Beanie Babies do not convey.

Michael Steele Could Profit From a Near-Earth Supernova

A near-Earth Supernova could wipe out humanity, killing us with increased radiation and cosmic ray exposure, followed by a new ice age. But just because we die off doesn't mean your portfolio can't have a fighting chance. In a blog piece I wrote for the Motley Fool Blog Network, I explain what companies you can invest in to hedge against a near-Earth supernova and possibly profit from the ensuing disaster. Companies like lead-shielding manufacturer Metalico ($MEA), cancer drug maker Celgene ($CELG), and the company that could be called on to single-handedly rebuild our food chain, Archer Daniels Midland ($ADM). The Motley Fool's own Supernova investing service can't help you, but Michael Steele can. You and I might not live long enough to enjoy the portfolio gains, but your miserable, starving, cancer-ridden, mutant progeny will inherit your profits to buy the shelter, medicine, precious nutrients, and protection from the roving bands of nomads that they desperately need for their continued survival.

Michael Steele Shows Aspiring Supervillains How To Invest

Are you an aspiring Supervillain? In a blog story I wrote for the Motley Fool Blog Network, I explain how you, as an ordinary run-of-the-mill villain can grow the wealth you need for your wide-ranging world domination schemes by investing in the companies and industries that you, as a soon-to-be Supervillain, may already be familiar with. Invest in companies like Cemex ($CX) for building your underground lair, Titanium Metals ($TIE) for your armor, Illumina ($ILMN) for your genetics experiments, II-IV ($IIVI) for all your laser needs, and Discovery Communications ($DISCA, $DISCK) for their Shark Week expertise, because what good are your frickin' laser beams if you don't have sharks to mount them on? Whether you're a future Supervillain yourself, or just an ordinary investor who wants to ride the Supervillain industry's bull market to your own handsome profits, this is the investment guide for you!

Michael Steele Can Defeat the Robots... On Paper

A team at MIT and UPenn is working on technology to design and print your own paper robots. But as usual, Michael Steele is more concerned about the possibility of these cheap, mass-produced robots rising up in revolt against their human masters. From the story:

Imagine a time and place where building a robot for a specific need would be as easy as heading to your local Lowe’s or Home Depot, then have the robot you need designed, printed and programmed in as little as a day. Two prototypes have been built so far: an insect-like robot for exploring dangerous areas, and a gripper device for the handicapped. [...]

Here, MIT is promising a future where we choose what we want in a robot, and the possibilities sure do seem endless. Robot slaves, anyone? I don’t know about you, but I’m getting visions of SkyNet and Judgment Day, where robots become self-aware and kill us all.

At least when the robots rise up against humanity, we'll be easily able to put down the revolt with our own arsenal of scissors.

Unless the robots are able to use their own mastery over rocks as a weapon, because that would defeat our scissors.

Michael Steele Teaches You How to Profit from the Coming Robot Uprising

In a piece I wrote for the Motley Fool blog network, I will teach you how you can profit from the coming robot uprising by investing in the companies that will fuel the revolution and aid in the downfall of man. Companies like 3D Systems Corp. ($DDD), Intuitive Surgical ($ISRG), iRobot ($IRBT), Oceaneering International ($OII), and most surprisingly of all, Disney ($DIS). Don't be left behind in the middle class! You'll want to be in the 1% when it comes time to buy your ticket on one of the few evacuation spaceships!

An Open Letter to Michael Steele's Spine

Dear Vertebrae,

For many years, you have all worked together to carry the weight around here. But it gives me great pain to note that two of you (and I'm not naming names) have decided to step out of line and do your own thing, paying no heed to the squeeze you're putting on those around you. Your actions have definitely hit a nerve.

I have been forced to bring in an outside chiropractic consultant to get things straightened out again. Going forward, I expect all of you to work with the consultant and align yourselves to support our shared mission. Remember, you are the backbone of this whole organization.

Sincerely,
Mike's Brain

(I wrote this and posted it in a more obscure place last year when I was having serious problems that ended in my having surgery. It's still funny, even though I'm much better now, thanks.)

I came across this financial brain teaser / math problem last week on The Motley Fool's message boards:

Mr. Smith is 30 years old and has $10,000 that he is going to invest for his retirement. Ms. Brown (also 30 years old) is an investment advisor with a decent track record of constantly getting a 10% annual return on her portfolio. She does charge a 2% commission on assets under management as calculated at the end of the year. Mr. Smith thinks that a rough 8% return is still pretty good and feels it fair to Ms. Brown to pay her the commission. Ms. Brown's commission is going to her retirement, so all of the funds are going back into her account where she will earn the full 10% annual return. No taxes on either account.

Who has more money in their account at the end of year 35 when they are both 65?

Think about it for a minute...

Clearly if Mr. Smith comes out way ahead, this wouldn't be much of a puzzle, would it?

The answer?

After 35 years, Mr. Smith has $138,565.98, and Ms. Brown has $142,458.38. The lesson? Percentage-based financial planners benefit themselves more than their clients. You can do this yourself without paying someone else 2% of your money every year to do it. And if you do need a financial planner, there are plenty of flat-fee based planners out there who will work with you without slowly siphoning away all your profits.